Vulnerability, Parasocial Illusions, and the Kind of Leadership We Actually Need
We don’t live in small towns anymore. Even if you do, your attention is constantly pulled into digital spaces where millions of voices compete for loyalty. A single podcast clip or livestream can make you feel like you know someone—someone who has no idea you exist.
Parasocial relationships have become the glue for modern community. They offer comfort, but they can also distort what we think leadership looks like.
Parasocial Bonds: Comfort and Containment
Psychologists Horton and Wohl coined the term parasocial relationship in 1956, describing it as a one-sided connection where a person invests emotional energy into someone who can’t reciprocate. Decades later, research shows these bonds can increase feelings of belonging but also magnify loneliness when taken too far (Giles, 2002; Tukachinsky & Stever, 2019).
The danger is containment. Instead of broadening our perspectives, parasocial loyalty can narrow us down into cult-like bubbles. We mistake charisma for leadership. We start following a single voice instead of learning how to engage across difference.
True leadership, though, widens the circle instead of tightening it.
Why Vulnerability Disrupts the Script
Think about comedians like Theo Von or Tom Green. Both controversial, both messy, both hard to categorize.
Theo talks openly about addiction, insecurity, and absurd childhood memories that would never make it into a politician’s campaign speech. Tom Green, decades before YouTube, turned shock and absurdity into televised performance art, then quietly reinvented himself after cancer and the collapse of fame.
Their strength isn’t in flawless image—it’s in vulnerability. Research on leadership echoes this: leaders who disclose their struggles are seen as more trustworthy and relatable (Brené Brown, 2010; Owens & Hekman, 2012). Vulnerability doesn’t weaken authority. It humanizes it.
Stress-Tested Leadership
Anyone can play leader when things are calm. Real leaders emerge in storms.
Green went from MTV superstardom to obscurity, cancer treatment, and then rebuilt his life as an artist, musician, and storyteller.
Von wrestled with addiction and years of rejection before building a loyal audience by simply being himself.
Stress-tested leadership doesn’t mean avoiding failure—it means enduring it, adapting, and sharing what you learned. Research calls this post-traumatic growth (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004), where leaders who suffer setbacks often develop greater empathy, perspective, and resilience.
A Forgotten Case Study: Abraham Lincoln
It’s easy to forget that Abraham Lincoln—now revered as one of the greatest leaders in U.S. history—was once dismissed as unelectable, awkward, and unqualified. He failed in business, lost multiple elections, and was widely ridiculed for his appearance and rural mannerisms.
But Lincoln’s leadership wasn’t forged in image—it was forged in collaboration and humility. He famously built a “team of rivals,” surrounding himself with people smarter and more qualified in their own domains (Goodwin, 2005). He acknowledged his shortcomings, leaned on the expertise of others, and stayed in his lane while uniting a fractured nation.
Lincoln’s rise reminds us: leaders aren’t defined by perfection but by persistence, humility, and their ability to elevate the right people at the right time.
Thanksgiving Tables, First Dates, and Controversy
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: if I bring up Theo Von or Tom Green at Thanksgiving dinner—or even on a first date—I know it could go sideways. They’re controversial.
And so am I. Someone could meet me, mention me to someone else, and suddenly I’m controversial. That’s the cost of living in public—even a little bit.
The lesson? We will never check every single box for every single person we meet. Trying to is a recipe for blandness, not leadership.
Leadership That Serves the Greater Good
The leaders we need today are not the ones who accumulate cult-like followings. They are the ones who:
Lead collaboratively: bringing the right people into the right roles.
Stay in their lane: acknowledging expertise and the body of evidence rather than pretending to have every answer.
Own their mistakes: not hiding from shortcomings but treating them as life lessons.
Widen the circle: showing us how to connect beyond our echo chambers.
Parasocial loyalty might spark admiration, but real leadership transforms that admiration into resilience and collective progress.
From Cults to Catalysts
We don’t need more perfect figureheads. We don’t need more polished influencers.
We need people who:
Admit when they’re wrong.
Model compassion even when it’s unpopular.
Stay grounded in evidence, not ideology.
Turn every scar into a teaching tool.
That’s the leadership that better serves the greater community. That’s the leadership that moves us from cults to catalysts.
And that’s the leadership that teaches us how to live—not just follow.
This is a very thought provoking email. Easy to read , important to understand and it gives something to think about.