The Gap Between Manipulation and Compassion in Coaching
When I started at my very first gym job as a personal trainer, on staff as an employee, I questioned whether I even belonged there. I was surrounded by elite athletes, physique competitors, people who looked like they’d been carved out of stone. And then there was me.
I could run a sub 56 minute 10k on 4 hours of sleep after a shift at the bar, I taught spin classes, I played soccer, I could lift heavy—and more importantly, I showed up consistently. But still, I wondered if that was enough.
One day one of the gym owners told me something that stuck: “People want to work with you because you look like them.”
At first, that stung. Shouldn’t this be about skill acquisition? Shouldn’t progress be the deciding factor? But as time passed, I realized the owner wasn’t putting me down. They were pointing out something crucial—connection matters more than aesthetics. And the reason people stayed with me wasn’t because I looked like them, but because no matter what, I was always there.
The Narcissistic Trainer
In this industry, there’s a certain archetype I’ve seen over and over again—the narcissistic trainer.
They build a cult of personality. Clients aren’t treated as individuals; they’re manipulated into dependence. Every program, every challenge, every offer is framed like it’s the only way. And if someone doesn’t buy in? They’re told they’re failing, lazy, or doing life wrong.
It’s shame packaged as coaching. And it makes people hate themselves just enough that they keep coming back, desperate for approval.
The Alternative: Coaching Through Experience and Compassion
Then there’s another path. One I know personally.
When you’ve lived through loss, criticism, adversity, and failure, something shifts. You don’t need to break someone down to feel powerful. You’ve already carried enough weight to know how heavy it feels.
So instead of creating dependence, you want to build autonomy. Instead of gaslighting, you want to listen. Instead of punishment, you want to make training an act of self-respect.
I’ve failed with offers that didn’t land. I’ve gone back to the drawing board, learned, and tried again. Because the goal isn’t to get people to do what I want—it’s to help them discover what they want, and how fitness can support that.
Karl’s Story: Beyond the Vanity Metrics
Take my client Karl.
When we started working together in 2018, his energy was low. To most people, he “looked the part,” so they couldn’t understand why he’d hire a trainer. But the truth is, he needed more than what appearances could tell.
At the start, Karl would collapse after 200 meters on the rower. Today, he leads friends up mountain hikes, does dozens of push-ups, lifts hundreds of pounds, goes paragliding, travels, bought a house—and more importantly, he’s built an identity rooted in strength and adventure.
This isn’t just about his life; it’s about the buzz his friends feel when he takes them on new experiences, the way his family benefits from his energy and leadership. You can’t put a price tag on that.
The Truth About Fitness
Here’s what I want people to know: fitness is supposed to be fun—for everyone.
That doesn’t mean you get a free pass on the hard stuff. But it does mean the hard stuff becomes easier when you’re in the right company with the right support. Strength training can feel like play. Discipline can feel like freedom.
And when you’ve worked with someone who trains from compassion instead of ego, you realize something simple: you don’t need to hate yourself to change yourself.
My Role Today
When I first started out, I thought I had to look like the people who criticized me. I thought silencing the noise meant becoming what they said I wasn’t.
Now I see it differently. My role isn’t to prove myself by trying to be more like someone else. My role is to show people how to face struggles head-on in the healthiest way possible and to challenge my own battles head on as well. In a matter of leading by example throughout all stages of life.
Because we don’t just need more workouts—we need better role models.
I’m taking on new clients in-person and online. If you want to know what working with me would be like, go to https://invigoratetraining.com for details or reply to this email and I’ll set up complimentary consultation directly.
You should put that on a sticker or magnet for the fridge.